Chest

I can accept that I've been born and now have this chest. I can accept that I'm wearing the chest. But I can not accept, or say, that I'm meant to have it. I can not ever accept is as a part of the true me. Denying seeing it from the mirror, rationally, would be pretty catastrophic. But that's almost the only way I see it. I forget that I have it, I don't picture it as a part of my body's blueprint. I accidentally hit/hurt it to places, since it's bigger than it's in my head. I see it when I look down, but one does not walk in life looking that far down.

I can stretch body positivity as far as my hips: it's more likely for guys not to have significant hips, but it's not as uncommon body type as society makes it seem. Mine aren't that big, too, luckily, but that's a thing I might still have if I would've been assigned male at birth. One should not still have a chest even this size while this small. For me it's always felt unnatural, and no body positivity can change that.

I can live without a binder and not want to self-harm. I don't feel like a binder would be healthy for me, personally, and truth to be told it kind of scares me. I'm quite tiny, and hell of an amount sensitive, so getting obsessive of the hours when I could look a certain way by restricting my movements doesn't seem to cut it. I wish to look like that all the time, without clothes off (sometimes especially without clothes off), without the need to restrict myself. Binder is a life saver for those who can/feel good (or less bad) wearing it, but I feel like we should also normalize not wearing it. Wearing a binder as gender non-conforming individual shouldn't be the default. Non-binary look shouldn't be masculine by default. Gender neutral look shouldn't be masculine by default.

I'm coping with this mixture by simply trying to forget my chest as much as possible. It keeps reminding its existence when it bounces (even a little bit), aches, gets touched.. It's clearly there. But every opportunity, place and time that I can take and not think about it: I'll definitely take.


Note that I wrote on my phone today
 Thoughts on body toxic positivity and being trans -
how people can try to ram you into their views, part 1
© 2019-2020 Kettu Saarinen. All rights reserved.