Body Ramble - trans #1

I noticed my idea of my own gender differing from the majority of people around me since I can remember, after I found the words to describe it all. I don't think I literally ever felt like I was "trapped in the wrong body", as the stereotype goes - yet even as a stereotype it seems to be present only when talked about binary trans people, strictly going from one place to another. We've all always been us.

One of the differences comes from the way we get treated in comparison to our own feelings towards ourselves. Like I've personally always identified more closer to boys/men, and after childhood understood it's actually towards masculinity and the gender etiquettes (aka roles) aimed towards the boys/men. Yet I've been raised with "the polar opposite"/wrong etiquette, and I find myself constantly navigating between the two a lot. Like, if I now look back into my childhood I can see myself treated completely like the other girls around me, and me longing to be treated differently (and these were also the feelings I already had at that time, I might've even been vocal about 'em). I can see all of that affecting me somewhat, like I'm carrying the capability to act either way, like I, in a sense, got double training into how to be a human.

I want to clear out that I'm not saying that I got a heavily feminine upbringing, but I can still pinpoint a huge range of situations where I got treated/boxed/labeled differently than all my other siblings, just 'cause the way my body looks (to be more specific: how my genitalia looks, since "boys and girls" don't actually look that different when they're young).

I also want to clear out that as I'm talking about boys/men and girls/women, I'm in no way thinking that all people need to behave in one way or the other, I'm only applying that the majority of us get raised into one of the two categories, and if we don't (we manage to get quite neutral upbringing), still at the end the world we all navigate in is surrounded by the two, which we can't really avoid and will be affecting us more or less in many situations through our lives.

As a kid I always raised questions why I needed a full swimsuit, since I didn't have anything to cover up there, and when I was really young I did get a permission to be at our yard with only my undies - but "surprise", I had to quickly "grow out" of that level of exposure, my nipples were somehow.. bad? Even tho I found 'em looking quite identical to the nipples I saw around me.

When I started to get close to the age of puberty, my mum found it amusing that it was really unclear which type of chest I would develop; a small one from my dad's side of the family, or actually big from from her side. I can vividly remember being utterly terrified of becoming like my mother, and in my mind almost started to mourn the possibility of what if I lose part of my identity with it, what if I'll just hate my body the rest of my life? Those are pretty.. well, not the most common thoughts to have as 10 year old, at least in this specific manner.

As an adult I've also been aware that it's not necessarily just women who have wide hips, but as a teenager I grew to hate my hipbones - I always thought they were always just a lil too wide in every angle and could've literally been removed to easily better my looks. I didn't have as triangle body shape as I would've wanted, I didn't get the easy muscle growth and sharp angles, all I felt I got was my height (thank fuck) and all around I just got a lil bigger with it to keep the scaling right - I don't feel like I got much in puberty to be honest: the only easily visible thing was my chest, which grew just slightly - ironically not much further from the time when I didn't even wear bras yet, and my "practise bras" and regular ones could've easily been the same size after all. But I'm glad. In a way I still feel like I look pretty much the same as in my 3rd grade photo, except I just got older and taller (I was already around 141cm/4' 7,5" when I entered 3rd grade, oh the amusement park on that summer).

At school, after "boys and girls" started to look even a bit different, I always felt like I was invading girl's locker rooms. I didn't know where it was polite/safe for me to look. As a kid who at that time, still, probably knew a round 0 about trans people, it was just a silent thing I kept at myself. I already felt alienated enough let along to try to explain it to anybody. I always felt I was pretending when the PE classes got split in half, boys side looked way more competitive and I felt like I should've been there. Now I was placed in this half that I had to dodge in the locker room when they all changed into sports bras and feminine gear. Hence my bullying around that time combined with all of this I just really didn't want to participate in any of it, it all felt just a lil too much.

Sometimes when I'm out on my walks or just in general, stuff like this casually pops up in my head. I figured this time I'd pour 'em out to easily get more space to other things. I'm guessing there will be more of these in the future, so I hope the numbering in the title will make sense then. I also wish reading these afterwards will still make sense to me.
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