Echo of a life

A letter to my 14 year old self

I know you feel like shit sometimes. In a year your life will be filled with ups and downs and you won't remember some of it at all, but I want to let you know you're going to be alright. You're going to get help. If you can hold on the next 5 years, you're going to get an amazing apartment and the independence you've long awaited. I know it's hard to breathe there.

This year you've got an amazing group of friends, keep holding on to them like I know you'll do,  they'll get you through a lot. Especially one of them, which I'm sure you'll know by now, will be really close to you even in the future years. Cherish that as much as you can. You feeling discriminated against is real, and you formerly been bullied is also very real, but you're much stronger than any of that. There's a name or multiple for how you feel and it isn't just "bad" or unreal, don't let the one person in your household erase you. You will survive and you will be learning to take the right amount of space. You'll soon find a word for your boxed and bursting sexuality, it's completely normal, you're not broken or lacking anything, in fact you're very rich in a different way. I know you'll once say you're sexist, on the one bench on one summery day, but it just has to do with you trying to disconnect yourself with womanhood. You're a feminist who just isn't a woman. And it's all alright.

I know your brother will tell you about this amazing line of school you'll come to a conclusion is the only one that you can see yourself pushing through, you'll make it in and you'll make it through it. Try not to get as upset about the photography lessons, they won't kill your creativity, if anything they'll just move the focus elsewhere; you will have your words wherever you go, you will find yourself writing in some weird places. You've always chosen your own paths, and the suffocation won't last long. Just maybe don't get as fascinated about this one guy in the entrance exam? I know he's going to give you some amazing moments, I can spoil you that you're going to spontaneously travel ~450km by train just to be with him at a music festival and you're going to need that freedom, but in the end it's quite messed up. Try to remember that age doesn't guarantee maturity, don't take that for granted for the 2 years of your emotionally invested fun.

The last year of trade school will be the most amazing freedom-wise, you'll get to work in the real world and you'll forget the red convertible guy and the autumn nights as fast as he entered your life. You'll travel to play board games with this amazing new friend (who will remain BTW), you'll find yourself in new places and rooms filled with people who have stuff in common with you, and some stuff won't matter. It's going to be an amazing last spring, your very the first taste of adulthood.
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