Some days at home

I promised myself I would write today.

Today is one of the not-so-good days. My arms hurt, I feel dizzy when I get up, my stomach rumbles in its stillness and I feel just a little bit too off. I've eaten my usual double yog breakfast with a banana and pb (aka peanut butter), I made a simple rice dish as a "comfort bowl" for dinner, delicious (weirdly cheery) chocolate protein waffle for later and I'm going to be doing ridiculous cream tofu breads with a mandarin for later. At least I'm keeping my personal promise to nourish my body.

Haha, sorry, had to take a pause as Savu (Smoke) asked some assistance to get down from the roof. Then both him and Uni (Dream) wanted to travel in my hoodie's hood for a bit and end up back there together for a bit, to wrestle, and now they joined Tikku (Splinter) for the indoor/out of the main home adventures.

I wish I would know as simple, or should I say efficient, ways to maintain/improve my mental health. I get stuff done, and the tasks haven't weirdly felt heavier, but it's like a massive disconnect with my mind. I just feel on the edge all the time.

I needed to do SPIN and BDI tests for today and for Monday, which I think contributed to all of this. It just seems to make it all more real, more tangible even tho I'm aware taking 'em doesn't change my everyday life in any way; it just shines light to the areas that need to be worked with. It admittedly makes me feel weak, yet strong, at the same time. I know the first part isn't true, but I feel like I was weak to let myself go to this point, yet strong that I'm able to carry all of this shit with me. I feel like the more real answer is simply that no one was there to give me the right, or sometimes any, tools at the time to handle many things, that lead me to this moment. And TBH IDK where I'd be, if I wouldn't have got all the stuff to handle, which I have. So in a sense it all comes back together? But it's so fuckin' frustrating at times.


Tomorrow my partner comes back here, and hopefully his presence will help me feel more at ease. At least I feel warmer to think my family is more back together then.


PS. Couple of days ago I managed to do noticeable improvements if you check the downstairs section of this blog. Slow and steady, and next arrives the final touches and sometime in the future also the icon for all of this organized letter mess.
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